Little Robert asked his mother for two cents."What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
"I gave it to a poor old woman,"he answered.
"You're a good boy,"said the mother proudly."Here are two cents more.But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
"She is the one who sells the candy."
Nest and Hair
My sister,a primary school teacher,was informed by one of her pupils that a bird had built its nest in the tree outside the classroom.
"What kind of bird?"my sister asked.
"I didn't see the bird,ma'am,only the nest,"replied the child.
"Then,can you give us a description of the nest?"my sister encouraged her.
"Well,ma'am,it just resembles your hair."
I've Just Bitten My Tongue
"Are we poisonous?"the young snake asked his mother.
"Yes,dear,"she replied-"Why do you ask?"
"Cause I've just bitten my tongue!"
(2)Cause I've just bitten my tongue因为我刚咬了自己的舌头。句中Cause是Because的缩略形式。
A Woman Who Fell
It was rush hour and I was dashing to a train in New York City's Grand Central Terminal-As I neared the gate,a plump,middle-aged woman sprinted up from behind,lost her footing on the smooth marble floor and slid onto her back.Her momentum carried her close to my shoes.Before I could help her,however,she had scrambled up.Gaining her composure,she winked at me and said,"Do you always have beautiful women failing at your feet?"
Q:What's the difference between a monkey and a flea?
A:A monkey can have fleas,but a flea can't have monkeys.
Q:How can you most irritate a farmer?
A:By treading on his corn?
Q:Which is the strongest creature in the world?
A:The snail.It carries its house on its back.
Q:What do people do in a clock factory?
A:They make faces all day.
Q:How do you stop a sleepwalker from walking in his sleep?
A:Keep him awake.
怎样才能不让梦游者（sleepwalker）梦游（walk in his sleep）呢？最简单的方法就是不让他睡觉。虽然这不是治疗方法，但如果让梦游者醒着呢，他的确就不会去梦游了。
He is really somebody
--My uncle has 1000 men under him.
--He is really somebody.What does he do?
--A maintenance man in a cemetery.
Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States,she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her.At the bank counter,the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real.It made the old lady out of patience.
At last she could not hold any more,uttering."Trust me,Sir,and trust the money.They are real US dollars.They are directly from America."
英语笑话（四）my little dog can't read
Mrs.Brown:Oh,my dear,I have lost my precious little dog!
Mrs.Smith:But you must put an advertisement in the papers!
Mrs.Brown:It's no use,my little dog can't read.
英语笑话（五）Bring me the winner
--Waiter,this lobster has only one claw.
--I'm sorry,sir.It must have been in a fight.
--Well,bring me the winner then.
英语笑话（六）The mean man's party.
The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party.Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment,he said,"Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow.When the door open,push with your foot."
"Why use my elbow and foot?"
"Well,gosh,"was the reply,"You're not coming empty-hangded,are you?"
A bit of advice for those about to retire.If you are only 65,never move to a retirement community.Everybody else is n their 70s,80s,or 90s.So when something has to be moved,lifted or loaded,they yell,"Get the kid."
One evening I drove my husband's car to the shopping mall.
On my return,I noticed that how dusty the outside of his car was and cleaned it up a bit.When I finally entered the house,I called out."The woman who loves you the most in the world just cleaned your headlights and windshield."
My husband looked up and said,"Mom's here?"
英语笑话（九）The doctor lives downstairs
"Doctor,"she said loudly,bouncing into the room,"I want you to say frankly what's wrong with me."
He surveyed her from head to foot."Madam,"he said at length,"I've just three things to tell you.First,your weight wants reducing by nearly fifty pounds.Second,your beauty could be improved if you used about one tenth as much rouge and lipstick.And third,I'm an artist---the doctor lives downstairs."
英语笑话（十）One Engine Left
A 747 was halfway across the Atlantic when the captain got on the loud speaker,"Attention,passengers.We have lost one of our engines,but we can certainly reach London with the three we have left.Unfortunately,we will arrive an hour late as a r esult."
Shortly thereafter,the passengers heard the captain's voice again,"Guess what,folks.We just lost our third engine,but please be assured we can fly with only one.We will now arrive in London three hours late."
At this point,one passenger became furious."For Pete's sake,"he shouted,"If we lose another engine,we'll be up here all night!"